Arrange me some love, please!

By Shyam Pillai

Picture this. A shy girl walking towards a gathering of curious eyes holding a tray filled with chai  and samosas or filter coffee and upma as the region may be. Her eyes filled with hope, her lips  quivering, her body language visibly apprehensive, but she still has a smile plastered on her face  to complete the pretty picture. Does this take you back in time, say twenty to fifty years or maybe  you went through the process recently here in America. The arranged marriage ritual has not  changed conceptually, but the people going through it, have. Back then, the questions covered  topics like whether the girl could walk, sing, cook, knit, or have children. Of course, she couldn’t  ask any questions of the man. Now questions range anywhere from paychecks and green card  status to food allergies, addictions and HIV status. There are two conflicting questions on the  table along with the samosas. Has arranged marriage lost its effectiveness and become a sham? Is  it a meal ticket for some? a way to get away from an ex-lover or an end of the road retreat for former “players”?  Or when it comes to relationships, did our parents have it right all along– arranged marriage followed by arranged love?

Of course the process of match making is a bustling business in India and on the Internet. Gone are  the days when a friendly chaachi or a pandit would go visiting with a bag full of pictures and  kundalis of prospective brides and bridegrooms. The Internet era has ushered millions of hopeful  single men and women and their parents into elaborate e-rooms where no chai or samosas are  needed and no one needs to dress up. All that is needed are some self selling points about ones  education, job status and a picture (where hopefully, the man is not wearing shades). It’s very  human to want the very best especially when it comes to a life partner. Every man wants a Katrina  Kaif or an Aishwarya Rai like beauty to be his wife even if he happens to look like something that  got caught in a drain. If he’s a looker then even the best isn’t enough. Of course she has to be a size  zero superwoman – homely and educated; a breadwinner and a good mother. It’s almost like a  fitting room where women walk in and get fitted into a mould and all their excesses are sheared off. It’s amazing to see so many former party girls trade in halter tops for aprons with baby spit-ups. The fairer sex is not free of oddities. They can be as demanding as or more than the men have always been. They want someone who is ambitious but not a workaholic. Someone who keeps them on their toes and loves to have a good time but also is responsible and has a sense of duty – So basically, Superman with better fashion sense. Some women are extremely picky about grammar, dressing sense, body odor, shoes, and facial and body hair among many other things.

Once single men and women get past the reservations and decide to take the arranged marriage route, the hard work begins. They have to sort through hundreds of girls and or guys, meetings, polite conversations, and fake smiles. It’s like a lottery the one who wins has a low ratio of fantasy to reality. The ones with minimal expectations come out happy. For those who approach it with a “for better or till something better comes along” attitude, this can be a never ending process.  It definitely worked for our parents, or so they say. Some may reason that they didn’t know any better, others may say they didn’t have an option or a way out even if the road got rocky, so they stayed. But I think it is a matter of mindsets. Our parents had a sense of duty and obedience towards the people (family) who brought them together. They learned to love their spouses with all their plusses and minuses. For them marriage was not a trial and error process.

These days, at least here in the United States and in the larger cities in India, most educated men and women don’t want an arranged marriage. They want a marriage of choice, their own choice not their parents.  They want to fall in love and intimately know the person they are about to spend the rest of their lives with. They don’t want any virgin territories, literally and figuratively; no major physical incompatibilities, no annoying character traits and no past skeletons in closets. They want to get to know a potential suitor without the sword of marriage looming large on their head. The question is, has the South Asian society accepted this change? I see the acceptance here in the United States; most of my friends are married to women or men of their choice regardless of race, caste or religion and they have spent considerable amounts of time in relationships before settling down.  What about back home though? Is it acceptable now in India for a woman to date someone for a while, implying physical intimacy and for her to decide at her own pace if she wants to be married to him or not?  I know in the past that would stamp her as undesirable among “respectable” suitors. Truth is, the numbers of unmarried women in Indian cities is very high right now, but it’s not because they are dating men, it’s because they are financially independent (something past generations of women didn’t have easily) and they don’t really see why they should leave those careers to serve men.

Whether a “love before marriage” scenario is longer lasting than a “love after marriage” scenario is debatable? There have been enough “success stories” (still married) in each category to say one is better than the other. It would be nice though if the age-old tradition of arranged marriage was revamped to be more honest, with no family agenda (emotional blackmailing) and less sand glassed. It should be less about the alignment of stars and planets and more about the alignment of two individuals who come together for no other reason than to be each others’ other halves.  It would also be nice if the new tradition of finding love before marriage was not treated as an option, an option that can be easily dissolved if something goes wrong.

The opinions expressed in this article are solely that of the author and not of NetIP National or NetIP Houston. Shyam Pillai is a longstanding member and supporter of NetIP Houston. He can be reached at info@netiphouston.org.  For upcoming NetIP Houston events, please go tohttp://www.netiphouston.org